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I ruined my career as a music artist. The years are passing by and the amount of regret and guilt are eating me alive.

Hello everyone.
First of all thank you for reading this and giving attention to my story I'm about to share. I want to mention this is a throwaway account because I feel shy talking about this subject. It is something personal to me.
To give you some quick background information about what's going on: - I'm currently 27 years old while my "career" has ended 7 years ago. In all this time in between, I've had the desire to achieve something similar but so far without the success I had imagined.

Here we go...
  1. When I was 12 years old, I had the desire to become an artist (a DJ/Electronic music artist). I had tons of ambition and motivation and had set my goal for life. From that point in my life I kept pursuing it and put in the hard work to achieve it. It was literally the thing that kept me awake at night. I imagined and visualized my dream of standing on a stage in front of 10k people and playing my own music. I visualized one of my idols supporting me and my music. That was the person I looked up to, the guy who sparkled my fire and inspired me to achieve something similar.
  2. Years went by where I got laughed at on every online forum possible. My music sucked, I was too confident about my thing and people basically told me it was pure shit haha. Yet it did not stop me from pursuing my dream. I was the little kid amongst older guys being better at this music production thing. It was fun to be honest. After 3 or 4 years, when I was around 16 my music got noticed by someone bigger than myself. My music started to get noticed by local clubs and "famous" DJ's. They started playing it every single week in clubs and reached out to me. That's where it all began. Somebody I looked up to emailed me and wanted to make a song together. That's what opened many doors for me. Eventually, it led to releasing (and distributing) a real song under my name and having more support and plays as I wished for.
  3. After a few more musical releases, I got approached again. This time by one of the biggest artists within this scene. I had the luck this scene was very local and everything happened in my country. So we met up. I was a shy little kid who took the train to cross the country to meet one of my idols. This was a big day. I felt like the luckiest and happiest kid alive. A dream coming true. My dream of being a star and realizing my goals didn't seem far away.
  4. Things went well from this point. It took some time but eventually near the time I graduated I was ready and settled to make this my business and job. I was happy, around 18 years old. And I was playing shows around the globe and earning a nice amount of money per booking. The fans and "likes" kept coming in and it seemed like I established some sort of fanbase. This was the life I imagined. My goal seemed reached and I was happy.
  5. As I grew older I started to become a bit more pessimistic or perfectionistic.. or both. There are a lot of fake things going on in the music business and I was not the type of artist who likes to play along with that. I felt real. I spoke real (to my fans, on my social media pages, etc), and I acted that way. I want to mention that at this same period of my life, my family was putting some sort of pressure on me that I should find a part-time job for some extra income. Since I didn't play shows every week, I didn't generate a stable income doing music alone. Yet this was the goal, and this was perfectly possible as almost everyone in my crew was making a living from this. I want to mention that "my crew" was my record label / booking agency where I was part of. I kept believing that this was possible but due the pressure and stress my family gave me I think I started to doubt myself at some point. Although I was living my dream and touring the world, my family didn't push or believe it enough so they would suggest me to find a parttime job. I hated that. Every time they brought that up it made me annoyed because I just wanted to focus on my career and because I knew I could pull this off.
  6. My career was still in a good line at that time. It was also the time I was smoking cannabis. I became an addict. It was something I did on a daily basis and I think it had a negative impact on my behavior and work ethic to produce music. It also had an impact on my social media posts and thoughts about the music industry.
  7. Eventually, everything let to the point where I made a social media post which my label and booking agency didn't like, at all. It was so "off-track" for them that they decided to cancel some of my bookings for that upcoming summer. My post was about justice, and I shared some of my thoughts on the "fake" aspect of this music business because it made me extremely annoyed how people could achieve the same things putting in less work than I did (friends, connections, money..). As my label and booking agency supported those fake activities as well, they were kind of pissed that I shared those honest words in front of my fans online.
  8. Since I was a honest person, stubborn, and perfectionistic, I was like "fuck this" and basically never made contact again with them. Eventually this led to my last booking and then my career died. To this day (7 years later), I still get spotify plays from those old songs, and I still get messages every now and then of people asking what happened and why I stopped making this music.
  9. I would like to mention that my interest for that specific genre was fading away near the time I made that post on my social media. Don't get me wrong, obviously, I would've loved to keep doing it as my job. But personally it just wasn't touching me that much anymore as there were other genres that started to appeal to me more.

Here is an important thing I remember telling my dad at the age of 20, after destroying my career and right before starting some labour work which I absolutely hated. "Dad, I'm going to do this job maximum 3 months before I'm off on another musical adventure in another style!".
So far 7 years have passed hopping jobs and not saving a lot of money. It's only been 2 years I finally been able to quit smoking cannabis. I have made tons of songs in all those years, and removed tons of songs completely from my computer because I hate them at some point and I get angry because of everything.
I get a few plays a month on Spotify with my new musical project but it never really took off. I decided to abandon my previous name and start from scratch because I didn't want any connection to my older project. The closest I got to achieving something big was another famous artist reaching out because he liked one of my songs, but eventually it led to nothing (unfortunately).
I have not played a single show as my new project and haven't got close to being successful or making this my job, at all.
As the years are passing by and I'm slowly starting to realize I'm no longer the "golden boy" (aka the little 13 year old kid with big dreams) it starts to eat me and devastate me mentally. It's a big part of my life and the dream is still alive but it feels like the fire or belief that I will get there is slowly fading away.
There have barely been days that I did not make music but no matter how much I produce or whatever genre or style I try, it doesn't seem to take off.
At this point, and for the last year, or 2-3 years, it has become worse.. I highly doubt every step I take and I feel like I cannot make any decision at all for my musical path anymore. I changed my artist name multiple times and even while writing this post I still think the name isn't good enough and I should start another project from scratch. I basically like a lot of genres and I can't seem to make a choice on what I really wanna go after. The musical world has exploded so much with social media and everything right after my career died and there just seems to be too much choice and things going on. I cannot seem to find the right path and I can't find my fire and ambition like I had when I was younger.
Every now and then I still look back at my musical colleagues which I abandoned 7 years ago and see what they are up to, what the music sounds like and how successful they are right now. It makes me feel worse but some part of me likes looking at it and imagined what I could've become. The fact of seeing them so successful right now and still doing their dream job just makes me even more sad realizing its been 7 years and I'm still living at home, hopping jobs and thinking how to take off on another musical path.
Last year I have met the most amazing girlfriend in the world, and in the meantime I found some other hobbies that I'm passionate about such as trading in forex and doing visuals. But I feel like it will never replace music since that's like my main-quest in life.
If I think about it, being able to do shows again and make an income being a music artist would make me the happiest person alive but there's no way I'm going back to my older project and certainly no way I'm going to knock on the door of my label and say 'Whatsup' after 7 years.
Without a doubt, my behavior and stubbornness led to the most stupid choice I ever made in my life.

Thanks for reading along. I might delete this post later because I feel like I shared too much personal stuff and it makes me insecure. Although I want to admit it felt good writing all of this.
Peace.
submitted by Top-Rub8826 to askatherapist [link] [comments]

I ruined my career as a music artist. The years are passing by and the amount of regret and guilt are eating me alive.

Hello everyone.
First of all thank you for reading this and giving attention to my story I'm about to share.I want to mention this is a throwaway account because I feel shy talking about this subject. It is something personal to me.
To give you some quick background information about what's going on:- I'm currently 27 years old while my "career" has ended 7 years ago. In all this time in between, I've had the desire to achieve something similar but so far without the success I had imagined.
Here we go...
  1. When I was 12 years old, I had the desire to become an artist (a DJ/Electronic music artist). I had tons of ambition and motivation and had set my goal for life.From that point in my life I kept pursuing it and put in the hard work to achieve it. It was literally the thing that kept me awake at night. I imagined and visualized my dream of standing on a stage in front of 10k people and playing my own music. I visualized one of my idols supporting me and my music. That was the person I looked up to, the guy who sparkled my fire and inspired me to achieve something similar.
  2. Years went by where I got laughed at on every online forum possible. My music sucked, I was too confident about my thing and people basically told me it was pure shit haha. Yet it did not stop me from pursuing my dream. I was the little kid amongst older guys being better at this music production thing. It was fun to be honest. After 3 or 4 years, when I was around 16 my music got noticed by someone bigger than myself. My music started to get noticed by local clubs and "famous" DJ's. They started playing it every single week in clubs and reached out to me. That's where it all began. Somebody I looked up to emailed me and wanted to make a song together. That's what opened many doors for me. Eventually, it led to releasing (and distributing) a real song under my name and having more support and plays as I wished for.
  3. After a few more musical releases, I got approached again. This time by one of the biggest artists within this scene. I had the luck this scene was very local and everything happened in my country. So we met up. I was a shy little kid who took the train to cross the country to meet one of my idols. This was a big day. I felt like the luckiest and happiest kid alive. A dream coming true. My dream of being a star and realizing my goals didn't seem far away.
  4. Things went well from this point. It took some time but eventually near the time I graduated I was ready and settled to make this my business and job. I was happy, around 18 years old. And I was playing shows around the globe and earning a nice amount of money per booking. The fans and "likes" kept coming in and it seemed like I established some sort of fanbase. This was the life I imagined. My goal seemed reached and I was happy.
  5. As I grew older I started to become a bit more pessimistic or perfectionistic.. or both. There are a lot of fake things going on in the music business and I was not the type of artist who likes to play along with that. I felt real. I spoke real (to my fans, on my social media pages, etc), and I acted that way. I want to mention that at this same period of my life, my family was putting some sort of pressure on me that I should find a part-time job for some extra income. Since I didn't play shows every week, I didn't generate a stable income doing music alone. Yet this was the goal, and this was perfectly possible as almost everyone in my crew was making a living from this. I want to mention that "my crew" was my record label / booking agency where I was part of. I kept believing that this was possible but due the pressure and stress my family gave me I think I started to doubt myself at some point. Although I was living my dream and touring the world, my family didn't push or believe it enough so they would suggest me to find a parttime job. I hated that. Every time they brought that up it made me annoyed because I just wanted to focus on my career and because I knew I could pull this off.
  6. My career was still in a good line at that time. It was also the time I was smoking cannabis. I became an addict. It was something I did on a daily basis and I think it had a negative impact on my behavior and work ethic to produce music. It also had an impact on my social media posts and thoughts about the music industry.
  7. Eventually, everything let to the point where I made a social media post which my label and booking agency didn't like, at all. It was so "off-track" for them that they decided to cancel some of my bookings for that upcoming summer. My post was about justice, and I shared some of my thoughts on the "fake" aspect of this music business because it made me extremely annoyed how people could achieve the same things putting in less work than I did (friends, connections, money..). As my label and booking agency supported those fake activities as well, they were kind of pissed that I shared those honest words in front of my fans online.
  8. Since I was a honest person, stubborn, and perfectionistic, I was like "fuck this" and basically never made contact again with them. Eventually this led to my last booking and then my career died. To this day (7 years later), I still get spotify plays from those old songs, and I still get messages every now and then of people asking what happened and why I stopped making this music.
  9. I would like to mention that my interest for that specific genre was fading away near the time I made that post on my social media. Don't get me wrong, obviously, I would've loved to keep doing it as my job. But personally it just wasn't touching me that much anymore as there were other genres that started to appeal to me more.

Here is an important thing I remember telling my dad at the age of 20, after destroying my career and right before starting some labour work which I absolutely hated. "Dad, I'm going to do this job maximum 3 months before I'm off on another musical adventure in another style!".
So far 7 years have passed hopping jobs and not saving a lot of money. It's only been 2 years I finally been able to quit smoking cannabis. I have made tons of songs in all those years, and removed tons of songs completely from my computer because I hate them at some point and I get angry because of everything.
I get a few plays a month on Spotify with my new musical project but it never really took off. I decided to abandon my previous name and start from scratch because I didn't want any connection to my older project. The closest I got to achieving something big was another famous artist reaching out because he liked one of my songs, but eventually it led to nothing (unfortunately).
I have not played a single show as my new project and haven't got close to being successful or making this my job, at all.
As the years are passing by and I'm slowly starting to realize I'm no longer the "golden boy" (aka the little 13 year old kid with big dreams) it starts to eat me and devastate me mentally. It's a big part of my life and the dream is still alive but it feels like the fire or belief that I will get there is slowly fading away.
There have barely been days that I did not make music but no matter how much I produce or whatever genre or style I try, it doesn't seem to take off.
At this point, and for the last year, or 2-3 years, it has become worse.. I highly doubt every step I take and I feel like I cannot make any decision at all for my musical path anymore. I changed my artist name multiple times and even while writing this post I still think the name isn't good enough and I should start another project from scratch. I basically like a lot of genres and I can't seem to make a choice on what I really wanna go after. The musical world has exploded so much with social media and everything right after my career died and there just seems to be too much choice and things going on. I cannot seem to find the right path and I can't find my fire and ambition like I had when I was younger.
Every now and then I still look back at my musical colleagues which I abandoned 7 years ago and see what they are up to, what the music sounds like and how successful they are right now. It makes me feel worse but some part of me likes looking at it and imagined what I could've become. The fact of seeing them so successful right now and still doing their dream job just makes me even more sad realizing its been 7 years and I'm still living at home, hopping jobs and thinking how to take off on another musical path.
Last year I have met the most amazing girlfriend in the world, and in the meantime I found some other hobbies that I'm passionate about such as trading in forex and doing visuals. But I feel like it will never replace music since that's like my main-quest in life.
If I think about it, being able to do shows again and make an income being a music artist would make me the happiest person alive but there's no way I'm going back to my older project and certainly no way I'm going to knock on the door of my label and say 'Whatsup' after 7 years.
Without a doubt, my behavior and stubbornness led to the most stupid choice I ever made in my life.

Thanks for reading along. I might delete this post later because I feel like I shared too much personal stuff and it makes me insecure. Although I want to admit it felt good writing all of this.
Peace.
submitted by Top-Rub8826 to Advice [link] [comments]

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